Writing isn’t magic. Although, the inspiration that motivates us to write can feel like magic. I was doing some housecleaning on the blog and found this post I started late last year but never finished.
I read an article that said the first break up after a divorce is sometimes harder than the divorce itself. At the time I’m not sure if I totally believed that, but recently it has started to make more sense.
One of the biggest challenges after a divorce is the feeling of rejection or abandonment. Getting into a new relationship is exciting but being rejected immediately after the trauma of a divorce hurts a lot. It’s like picking on an open wound.
And there was a boy …
It didn’t work out and it was very short-lived. I found myself coming out of that brief stint of a relationship feeling so much worse than I thought I could. I kept it to myself because I wanted to experience it without the judgment and opinions of others. The relationship was fun and carefree. I felt like myself again. I felt like a woman. It was exciting and new and spontaneous and unpredictable.
Truth be told there were a million red flags and truly I saw all of them. I told myself I was going in with eyes wide open because I was smarter now. But the joke was on me. Even though I did go in knowing this was not going to be my next great love, I forgot that when I fall for somebody, I can fall hard. With all the learning and growing I have done, it’s still very easy to fall for someone not suited for me.
Like I always say, “Show me a musician in desperate need of therapy and I’ll show you my next boyfriend.”
Reading this now, I don’t even remember feeling that sad. Time is the ultimate magician. Let’s recap for a moment, shall we? In the last 11 months, I have watched my marriage end, sold my dream house, moved back to the city, got divorced, started dating, and quit nicotine. Only to round things out with a global pandemic. Whew. It’s a lot. It’s a lot for everyone. The funny part is, I’ve never been better. As time passes, your wisdom builds, and your energy expands. I feel gratitude every single day.
I still get sad, perpetually restless, and often bored. There are days when I feel over it and days when I thrive. The yin and the yang of life. In fact, this past Saturday I hit a wall. I was out for my morning walk and someone hit my back because I wasn’t walking fast enough. I screamed “Don’t touch me” and realized that I was more freaked out that I was touched by someone rather than the actual punch. For the record, I’m completely fine and understand this is just part of city life and certainly not the only time I’ve been hit by someone on the street.
The point here is that I’m not ready to be touched by anyone and being touched by someone without gloves or a mask sent me into a tailspin. I have no idea if masks and gloves actually work but they bring some peace of mind.
In the past, I would have sat with that feeling and wallowed. Not any more, by Sunday I was planning, hosting, and organizing a socially distant happy hour and it worked. I saw humans, I drank Aperol spritzes, and I laughed a lot. FYI, this summer as been designated the “Summer of the Spritz”. (© Jodie 2020)
In case you are wondering where my head is at, my menu consisted of fresh fruit, homemade guacamole, hummus, and fruity pebble cereal treats. I’m getting a new fridge so I’ve been trying to use all my food. Therefore, it was a menu thrown together out of necessity and it was perfect. Before anyone calls me out on this, I realize that cereal treats don’t require ingredients from the fridge but I wanted them and I shared them with five other people so … #WorthIt.
This is fun now. Standing six feet apart in the street, screaming conversations at one another, while wearing masks. A few months ago this would have been my definition of hell but now it’s what saved me this weekend and it was completely socially acceptable. Humans adapt and we adapt quickly.
Sometimes I feel like I’ll never feel the fun that came with the irresponsibility and naivety of youth. Fun redefines itself with every passing year, but we don’t understand the true extent of the change until we experience it in full. While experimenting and searching for the new meaning, you are guaranteed some bad experiences until you get to the good stuff. The yin and the yang of life.
But is there a middle? As humans, we often talk in absolutes. Right vs. Wrong. Black vs. White. Happy vs. Sad, Yin vs. Yang but I feel like there are so many middles. Sometimes the beauty lies in the middle. Sometimes resolution lies in the middle.
The middle. It’s an undefined territory. When things are not clearly defined, we tend to fear them. What would happen if we allowed ourselves to enjoy the indecisive, non-resolute, ambiguous middle? Would it bring some peace? Would we find some happiness?
Obviously, I have no idea. I live my life in the extremes. When we say that life is a journey, I believe a big portion of that journey is moving out of the middle and into an extreme. We are either are starting or ending something in life. Thank goodness for the magic that is time. While this journey often feels like a struggle, at some point we don’t remember the pain as much. That makes us willing to do it again but maybe this time with cereal treats in hand, just in case.