Writing is always something I come back to when I need it. It’s not always a scream from within, often it’s a whisper trying to find a voice. I was at work today scrolling through slack and noticed a message about this post. (Happy Birthday!) I instantly remembered the most fun I had with this blog. It was when I turned 40. I took a little trip out west to visit two very dear friends. I had my midlife crisis on my own terms. I called it “The Eat, Pray, Drink Tour” and it was mix of fun, debauchery, magic, and release.

The funny thing about aging is that it doesn’t actually make you wiser. As you take each trip around the sun, you gain experiences. It’s from these experiences that we pull our decision making ability from. Our experiences are what teach us to love, fear, and laugh.

Wisdom, however, comes from work. We seek knowledge in books, mentors, friends, family and then we use that new information to alter the way in which see the world. We don’t have to rely on experiences alone anymore, now we have a new tool bag to help us. One we collected.

I will turn 48 this year. In the last 8 years so much has happened. Divorce, child loss, losing my father, moving a few times, a pandemic, and so much more.

But then it happened, I reached deep in the tool box I had created and I went to work or at least I tried. I talked to everyone to find the answers to questions I knew had no answers. I bought crystals, read books, watched movies, got lost in the woods, journaled, focused on my health, took care of my plants and found a path forward. It’s so beautiful on the other side. When you make the jump from “That’s just how it is” to “This is how its going to be”, a world of possibilities open.

Am I healed? No. I’m not even sure I know what “healed” means. It’s like when people say “I am enough.” I used to think it was a war cry. A badge of strength. It signified finding the path to daylight in a volcano full of trauma. I always felt there was a part missing though. What is “enough”? and Who defines “enough”? Is the measure of enough based on other people’s definition? Is this just another unreachable expectation set by society? We have to be perfect and now we have to be enough too? and then we have to be healed?

Here is what I do know, I am finally enjoying the ride. I have a beautiful home that I’m fixing up myself, plants everywhere, two beautiful dogs, a handsome cat, a lot of fish, some snails and ease. I have ease . I also have a job I adore, a partner that I love, and a group of people around who are the best people in the world.

Is it perfect? No. Do I want it to be? Also no. There is a beauty in mess and chaos. I want to spend my time in an endless pursuit of things that bring me joy. I want to contribute good into the world. I want to motivate and uplift people but most of all, I want to embrace the present moment like a grandma’s hug. I want to float through my day, yet still make an impact. I want to dance in kitchens and hear the stories of every Uber driver. I want to look at art and listen to music sipping a cocktail. I want to read books under a blanket while it rains. I want a hand crafted life surrounded by all the things and people I love. That is the wisdom that comes with living a full life – knowing what you want or least taking the time to figure it out.

P.S. I started interviewing all my friends and new episodes will follow! I want to learn from the people around me. You can follow the journey on YouTube!