I’m sitting on the new armchair I purchased looking at a space in front of an empty wall where the new sofa will soon occupy. They delivered the sofa with the chair, but as luck would have it, it was too big. Coming from a home that is 3000 square foot, my sense of space and dimension is a bit warped. Why wouldn’t the regular sized sofa fit?
That is how my vision is too. Everything seems warped. Many people have asked if I’m ok, and I’m not sure how to answer that question. It changes minute by minute. There are moments when I’m dancing around the kitchen feeling unstoppable and others when I’m cowering in a corner sitting in a sea of tears nursing a bottle of wine. That’s normal for a significant life event.
They say the three most stressful things in life are death, divorce, and moving. I’ve dealt with all three in the last 12 months and moving twice.
During a divorce, emotion supersedes all logic. If I were to describe what I’m experiencing, I would say it feels like deathless death. Imagine your partner dying and then coming back to life. Upon resurrection, they only have long term memory; therefore they remember all the good stuff you two shared. Because of the short term memory loss, you must watch from afar as they rebuild their life without you.
The bottom line is, I’m fine. Take that as you would from any woman. “Fine” is what you say when you are handling your shit, but you’re fueled by anger or sadness.
I would be lying if I said that some of the anger wasn’t directed at the ex, but the majority is a result of the work involved in getting a divorce – moving, paperwork, furniture not fitting, deciding who is going to get that mug you bought on your honeymoon. All the ancillary things you don’t realize you need to deal with until it is time.
To all those who went through a divorce before me, I’m sorry I didn’t realize how hard and painful it was. I mean, I knew it was difficult, but I had no idea how difficult. I’m sorry I wasn’t more supportive, but I promise from now on, I will make it my responsibility to help those who need it during this time.
One friend, that recently went through a divorce, gave me a gift bag filled with inspiring things like a necklace, a book, etc. She said to make one for the next woman I know going through a divorce because we need to support each other. I vow to do that.
One thing I have appreciated more than anything is the love and support of the people around me. From my family, friends, colleagues – everyone has been supportive of both Ccelli and I. People have been reaching out to lend an ear, a hug, or just some of their time. This love and support has sustained me.
My mom, sisters, nieces, and nephews have all made the pilgrimage to Philadelphia to help me break through what I can only refer to as a paralysis. My niece made a new rule that if I looked at something and cried, then it was not going to the new house with me. It was a much needed rule to help with decision fatigue. This week I was staring at the kitchen, not able to enter or unpack a box. I was frozen and needed my family to help me melt and get the freaking kitchen in order.
And Frankie and Arya, well they curl up with me and give me more love than I deserve. They are also going through a huge transition. The good news, we are sharing custody so they still have their mom and dad as much as they need.
It does take a village, and although I’ve been hibernating and dealing with everything this year in silence, It seemed like the appropriate time to share as we are nearing the end and my new beginning.
My house is open to any and all visitors as soon as I get these dang boxes unpacked. I need my village and the villagers who bring wine 🙂